Random Rantings

I have been the person whom you might consider to be one of the lucky ones. I have an imperfect-perfect family, a steady job, awesome set of friends, great bosses (some of 'em) and before a faithful and loving boyfriend (notice the word before). But I guess, I am the type of person who always want to have some complications in life. I tend to ruin what is perfect and deviate from what is normal and right.

I tried to lead my life in a way that it is favorable to other people. Maybe my ex was right. I always want to please other people. But not the people who love me. Now I am confused. Did I work my ass off and disregard myself in order for me to help my siblings to finish college because I want to impress other people? How many times did I control myself not to buy those lovely shoes or that new make up so that I can give something to my family? Maybe I also did that so that other people will be amazed how compassionate I am.

Special -- that's how I want to be treated. But whenever someone is treating me like that. I take them for granted. Why am I so good in hurting people? People that matters to me. People that I know will love me no matter what. I have hurt my family when I did not finish college and got accidentally pregnant. I have hurt my boyfriend by cheating on him and not loving him the way he deserved. Am I really this vicious person who is not capable of discerning true love?

Mistakes -- I've got tons of them. Some of them repetitive, some of them new. Most of the time repetitive. My ex told me that the reason why I keep on committing the same mistakes is because I never learn. But my question is WHEN DO YOU LEARN? Do you learn when you don't do it anymore? I really don't know.

I always say, I just want to have a happy and normal life. But maybe just maybe, I am the one who is making it unhappy and abnormal.